Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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