You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
not ubering you a puppy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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