my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
