can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
im on a boat
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