I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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