I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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