Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it glows. i had to have it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
