I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
