Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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