so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
