True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
