ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
