I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
