I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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