I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
