Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I want to be your penis for a week.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
