i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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