I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
