the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
