seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
