The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
