so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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