Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
