Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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