i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
