I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
