New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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