He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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