they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
