omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
