Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
