Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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