I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
