so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
