he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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