Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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