So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
