Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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