I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
