omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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