I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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