Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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