There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
