i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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