I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
