I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
