I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
