I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
