How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
