I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
