he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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