I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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