It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
