I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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