to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
