I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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