Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
