he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
