Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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