Don't make out with my wife yet
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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