I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
