plz talk dirty to me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
