So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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